Today is a special day for our family. It is our first son's birthday and I remind myself at how far he has come since that day we met him in that cold Russian orphanage. I wondered if his birth mom remembers him and what day today is. I also wonder if she ever thinks about him. I hope so. I would love for her to see how he has grown and changed since she gave him a chance at a new life.
Our first son was challenging. We walked straight into a little boys life where he was running at full speed. He desperately needed love and discipline, but more importantly he needed our love. We love our son so much, but we lacked the know how at times to effectively discipline him. Over the years we read books, listened to messages, tried different techniques to see what would work the best for him. Yes, even 4 years later we still struggled at times to pierce that heart of his to win his obedience. We are definitely the type of people that has to have it spelled out to us how to handle a child. Believe me, we have talked with other mentors and they had good counsel, but it wasn't until the other night that it hit us over the head what WE needed to do.
Earlier this year I had a friend from church give me some CDs of a pastor's message on "3 Steps to Successful Parenting." Believe me, I needed something simple but to the point to direct me. You can get a little lost listening to multiple people tell you what you should do. I started listening to the CD one afternoon and then stopped it because I knew I needed to sit down with my husband and really listen to what this man had to say. So the next night my husband and I sat at the dinning table and took our own notes and discussed what we should do or change so that we were both on the same page.
My goal is not to go into deep detail about the message I heard. My goal with this post is to share what stood out to me and share some of the insight I gained from God's word. The message is simple. It's something that everyone can do, even me. Sometimes we look for things that lead us around in circles, but if you struggle with disciple, maybe something here will help you.
Proverbs 22:6, "Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it."
God's word is simple. When you look at the first part of Proverbs 22:6 it tells you to train UP a child. It simply means start training your child at a early age. It is so much easier. Our oldest son was 18 months old when we brought him home. We really thought that it would be no problem to train him. We were dead wrong! Even at 18 months of age, children have learned behaviors that will always be a part of them. That is why I feel that this verse means to start from the time they are a tiny baby. It is much easier to train their life from sleeping habits to eating habits and their attitudes when they are months old.
Ephesians 6:4, "And, ye fathers, provoke not your children to wrath: but bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord."
Do you believe that rebellion is a normal part of a child's life? Think again. Rebellion in children is caused by anger or inconsistency in 1 or both parents. That is why Ephesians 6:4 says for father's {or mother} not to provoke a child because that will lead to outward and inward defiance.
So what are the 3 basic steps to successful parenting:
A) Always win- be firm and ask yourself with each confrontation with your child "who won?}
B) Be Gentle- we must cleanse our life from all harness and anger.
C) Consistency- Do you find yourself rushing through discipline because of what you are missing out on somewhere else? Then STOP! Don't rush through discipline or skip it because you are too busy with something else. If you don't win the first battle, it does take longer to win the next one.
A) Remember Proverbs 22:6? Training is done by the parent and they must be perceived by the child to be the winner. Colossions 3:20, "Children, obey [your] parents in all things: for this is well pleasing unto the Lord." Do you realize that this is the only place in the Bible that says that God is pleased when children obey their parents? We must insist our children obey each time. How will they obey God if they have not first learned to obey us as parents. Make this phrase a part of your life and quote it to your child, "Do what I say, right away with a smile on your face." {My husband and I were amazed at how effective this phrase is with our son when we quote it to him. The response we have gotten from him has been night and day.}
The sermon went on to talk about how important it is to make eye contact with your child. Get down on their level and make sure they are hearing you. It's always been a struggle with my husband and I to get our son to make eye contact with us and hold it. Most children who have been nurtured carefully from a baby will be able to achieve that but we did not. We failed. So we started practicing with our son and played it like it was a game as to who could make eye contact the longest. I would smile at him, make faces and noises so that it was fun. The most important part of this is that I have to remember to practice this while I am not disciplining him. Psalm 32:8 says, "I will instruct thee and teach thee in the way which thou shalt go: I will guide thee with mine eye." I know I have read this verse before but it hit me hard when I heard it talked about in the context that the eyes will communicate with you. When you lock your eyes and smile, it is a type of wordless communication that reaches deep into the soul. The light of the body is the eyes. So if someone will not look you in the eyes and maintain eye contact, you need to wonder what is going on inside of them.
So what about training a younger child, say a 1 year old? Yes I have one of those too! It was recommended to gently say no, frown, shake your head and GENTLY swat at their hand. In the example they gave us, {baby getting out pots from cabinet and mother saying no.}, it took her one hour to train him. After this hour, the baby crawled away and never bothered the cabinet again. They made a good point. Do you stop everything for just 1 hour to train, or would you rather spend countless days and years trying to training the the next time and the next time and the next time they disobey you.
So what type of tool should be used according to God's word? Proverbs 22:15, "Foolishness [is] bound in the heart of a child; [but] the rod of correction shall drive it far from him." The rod was explained in this verse as a small rod. It is not a board or paddle. Neither is it used in anger but out of love.
So what about the popular views on time-out? Time out was discussed on the Cd as being harsher then a spanking. When I first heard this, I wasn't for sure about that, but the verse they used made a lot of sense. Remember Cain? Yes, the man who killed his brother. Genesis 4:12-13 says, "When thou tillest the ground, it shall not henceforth yield unto thee her strength; a fugitive and a vagabond shalt thou be in the earth. And Cain said unto the Lord, My punishment is greater than I can bear." Do you see here that Cain was sent away to be separated from the ones he knew. He said it was greater then he could bear. This pastor mentioned that if you do use a time out that it should be used for big offenses. Have them sit on the floor with a clock in front of them for 30 minutes. If he continues to do the same offense, double it. See what the child would prefer next... a rod or hours of sitting still watching a clock?
Have you ever been faced with a public battle? Boy we have. Yes it is embarrassing. But did you know that the reason why you loose a public battle is because you are loosing them in private?
Don't allow excuses for their behavior.
Ask your children:
1) What did you do?
2) Did you know it was wrong?
These two questions will not give your child another way out. He will have to answer for his behavior. The main goal for always winning in battles is to get and keep your children's hearts.
B) Be gentle and firm.
Think about how gentle Jesus was. He never sinned even when he had to be firm.
Did you know that the gentleness in a child is learned from the gentleness in the parent, especially the father?
If we can't win over our own anger, then think about retiring to pray before we hand out the punishment. Your child will notice that you are calling upon God and eventually as they get older they will fear your time with God more then they will the punishment knowing God is on your side.
So we all know what anger is. It's not pretty. Did you know the opposite of anger is the spirit of adoption? Wow! The thoughts that flooded through me when I heard that. I remember how excited I was when we went through the process of adopting our two boys. It is a high like no other. If you have adopted, you will know what I mean. They say that this feeling should be what you feel as you parent your children. Loving, enjoying the children who are so delicate. It is a happy and joyful spirit. SLAM! It felt like a truck hit me as I remembered myself being overwhelmed with parenting a 18 month old who would not submit to our authority. We fell into getting upset and angry with him when nothing else would work. It's hard work not getting upset with your children when they disobey, but I have learned.... I am the parent.
C) Ephesians 6:4, "And, ye fathers, provoke not your children to wrath: but bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord." Notice the word bring them up? It means you must keep doing it. It doesn't mean do it for a little while and stop. It is a consistent action. Moms and Dads must stand together and not be divided so that they can not undermine one or both authorities. Be consistent in everything from how they dress, music, friends, church attendance and so on. It even mentioned public school and what the kids learn there. They will hear things that are contrary to what you teach them. So it is necessary to make sure they hear the truth and understand it from the parent.
I know this is a lot of information hear. The CD I listened too was very good. My husband and I sat down and discussed the notes we each took and formed a list on where we needed to work on, what we were going to both do to be on the same page. We even discussed that if we ever were harsh again with our children we would have to write a letter apologizing to our son and read it that night in front of the other family members to keep ourselves accountable to each other.
I know many have different feelings on disciple. We have as a family taken steps to outline what it is we are going to do and stick to it. I believe a print out of our "homework" list will make its way taped to a door as a reminder....
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